Archive for the ‘Seen & Heard’ Category

Thursday evening ..a packed auditorium ..Delhi’s elite ..mostly women ..sarees, skirts, suits, westerns ..and the lights go out.

Spotlight on a woman in her early thirties on stage ..Avantika Akerkar ..in a black slit ankle-length skirt welcomes the audience ..humbly requests for phones to be switched off ..raises a question to the audience -“How many of you are comfortable saying the word vagina?” ..some hands go up, some half-up, some undecided, some staunchly stay rooted to their seats! ..asks the ones with raised hands to softly whisper va-gi-na to the rest ..then louder ..and louder ..more ..and the whole gathering bursts out into a huge roar of VA-GI-NA, uninhibited!

Cracks a joke about the police denying the troupe entry into Chennai few months back, on the grounds of polluting local sentiments ..to which a woman quips –“why! don’t you have vaginas in Chennai?” ..the policeman fumbles ..the lady continues ..“well then perhaps Chennai is full of assholes”! Follows it up by an announcement that only things that vibrate are allowed inside the auditorium ..no its not what the dirty minds think ..its the beating hearts! A huge round of applause for her wit from the audience!

Lights off again ..three female figures seat themselves on the stage ..the vagina is introduced ..by all the names from across the world ..pussy ..cunt ..coochie snorcher ..some thirty-forty synonyms ..a young woman, mid-twenties, comes dancing on the stage, dressed in a short skirt, very short, the full beauty of her long legs visible to the naked eye in the last seat ..she goes into a soliloquy –“My short skirt is not an invitation to rape me. It is happiness, freedom, appreciation ..my short skirt, and everything under it, is mine” ..music dissolves in the background as she asserts her independence and existence ..later the same girl, Sonali Sachdev, replaces the short with a long skirt, and becomes the fourth speaker on stage.
She imitates a gujju woman, pretty old, 75-plus, who talks about her first time ..and what brilliant imitation! ..how she got turned on by an ordinary man ..how she came when he kissed her for the first time, and wetted the car seat ..how this guy loved to see womens’ vaginas ..how he would just stay there between her legs, staring at the one of the greatest enigmas of human civilazation ..of her hesitation at allowing a man such exclusive and prolonged visual access to her most private part ..how she asked him to just come over her, just do it ..how the man refused, and finally made the woman see her vagina in a different shade ..how her opinion of her vagina switched to white from gray ..how she realised that men CAN fall in love with a woman’s mysterious parting between her legs!

Jayati Bhatia ..an acclaimed TV actor ..playing this troubled woman whose husband wants her to get rid of pubic hair ..he likes it clean ..unhindered ..and who encourages her to use some fragrance to murder the smell of her vagina ..the stench he says ..they see a doctor ..the doctor says marriage is a compromise ..the woman is furious ..why me? the doctor says thats how it has been ..thats how it is ..and will be ..they come back ..only the husband comes back happy ..he has a razor ..he strips his wife ..shaves her ..it hurts ..she bleeds ..husband is ecstatic ..he does not see the blood dripping on the floor ..nor the wife’s painful moans ..it itches ..long after the grooming process ..husband is happy ..he likes it now ..clean ..squeaky clean ..he thinks it tastes better now ..the wife thinks otherwise ..she says NO ..and the vagina is never troubled again ..”love me with my hair, and thats the only choice”!

Avantika is a little girl, fourteen or fifteen [and the adapted transformation to a kid’s voice is as brilliant as it can get] ..has a barbaric mom, who catches her pleasuring herself unconsciously by stimulting her clitoris ..the girl receives a good verbal thrashing ..mom has a friend, a woman in her thirties ..she takes an instant liking to the young girl ..the mother appreciates this ..she allows the friend to take her daughter to spend some time at her place ..the girl’s kissed by the woman, on her tender lips ..she loves it ..she’s then laid on the bed, undressed, eyes closed ..she’s touched, not by her own hand ..she moans ..at the top of her voice ..the stage is gyrating with her orgasmic sounds ..its a never-before pleasure for the girl ..the clitoris has 6000 nerve endings ..the male penis has half of it ..the girl discovers clitoris as an organ present purely for sexul indulgence, and serving no other purpose ..at the end of the day, she has grown up!

Jayati continues later, as a woman who teaches other women to pleasure themselves ..who introduces them to the possibilities with their vaginas ..she makes them lie naked ..a mirror between their legs ..and to stay that way for like ages ..women start to see things ..some have never looked directly at their vaginas before ..they thought it was gross ..the lips were not to be fiddled around with ..she makes them think ..and see ..and feel ..the layers ..the pulp ..the fluff ..the pink ..the warmth ..she introduces the use of fingers ..to discover ..to love themselves!

Dolly Thakore’s [an elegant lady in her late forties] monologue is titled ‘I was there in the room’ ..she witnesses the birth of a grandchild ..the husband is at the bed post ..clutching his wife’s hand ..and counting ..1-2-3- …the nurse, in her white gloves is unperturbed ..to her its a routine ..the to-be mother is crying ..the to-be father has palpable tension in himself ..the granny to-be is right there, at the source of life, watching as it opens ..the vagina changes shape, and gives, always ..opens and its a life ..closes and its pleasure to someone ..it grows ..with the cries of the woman on the bed ..there is red ..everywhere ..its a beating heart ..there are tears ..of joy and pain together ..there is a cry ..and there is a life!

Jayati is at her best ..orgasms ..multiple orgasms ..musical orgasms ..aristocratic orgasms ..whistle orgasms ..she acts them ..all of them ..ten or fifteen types ..they make sense as she explains ..the hall and its people come alive ..men get hard ..they shift in their seats ..women are astounded ..its a perfect climax ..about the climax ..she mixes them all up in the end ..there was never a more profound vocal demonstration of multiple orgasms on stage ..or in dreams!

The auditorium is applauding ..all of them ..on their feet ..a standing ovation ..the four women take bows dressed in red and black ..the black hole ..the red world ..there’s a thrill ..an excitement ..it was vaginas all the way ..right into your faces ..sex, love, rape, menstruation, masturbation, birth, orgasm ..a kindness pleaded for women, and their vaginas ..its not just a body part ..its a symbol ..of female empowerment …of individuality!

And that my friends, was Vagina Monologues!

I’m not exactly a changed man after the show. I’m just more sane perhaps!


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Dude! Where’s my winter chill!

Delhi is steaming! And its only like the end of January! Winter wear out, cold showers already in! What on earth are those environmentalists being paid for? I can see the globe formidably warming yeah, don’t need their opinions in Science Today! If the oceans have to rise, let them bloody do! Water everywhere will at least cool it up! Damn I hate summers, except that I get to do longer showers, wear my awesome 24-hr deodrant and sleep naked! Yeaaaaaaah! 😀

Oh and went to this pretty chic restaurant called “TEN” on Sansad Marg last evening. There wasn’t much company but the food was good. I finally realised Thai is basically Indian cuisine with a lot more spices thrown in, an oversupply of corn over every dish and a much more tempting dressing, while Mexican is roll everything up you can eat with ease otherwise, support it with thick cream and salad, and again present it invitingly to us dal-paneer-gobhi loyals! Followed the exotic food with a walk to India Gate for the ten-twenty buck ice-lollies!

And trust me, Delhi rocks, as do dilwaale Dilliwallahs. Every city has a story, and Delhi has one too, albeit unchronicled to full grandeur in print. Perhaps its just because I’ve been reading a lot of India-centric literature lately (Indian In Slow Motion’, ‘India, Pakistan and the West’, Maximum City, Shantaram), and I’m increasingly falling in love with the country, and the city in particular. The capital is this fascinating amalgamation of cultures and cuisine, people and practices, virtue and vice, that at times I have a tough time in dissecting the anatomy of this huge all-compensating organism! The more I read, the better I mould my opinion of the nation. I cannot ask of you all to see through my eyes, but guys! India IS poised, and there’s a phenomenon waiting to explode! Some of you might remember reading about IIT’ians staying back in the country after graduation. You bet its not too far from the truth! People want to give back, probably not in largesse, but patriotism IS the buzzword, and its back in a revolutionized techie avatar!

India Shining, Incredible India are not just tourism promotion or FDI centered gimmicks. They define us today!

History will always talk of Gandhi and Nehru, and never of Dhiru Bhai Ambani or Ratan Tata!

Love for the country, wear it, show it! PDA!
And as they say, be the change you want to see! So, Be!

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Whew! The last post was undoubtedly the clear winner in terms of comments received vis-a-vis length of the post! It was strange how there were two critically disjoint interpretations of yours truly! Anyway, here’s an explanation from The Times Of India, carried out two days after that “objectionable” pic was published –

Bad camera angle: The photograph of Biocon chief Kiran Mazumdar-Shaw greeting Rajasthan chief minister Vasundhara Raje at the India Economic Summit in New Delhi, which appeared in this column on Wednesday, has provoked considerable comment. The agency picture, taken from an unfortunate camera angle, turned what was evidently a friendly peck on the cheek into prime-time news. We wish to clarify that we did not intend to hurt anyone’s sentiments.”

So I guess that’s pretty much the end of discussion, except the last “fat man” that I can’t help dropping here! What follows is a number of terms (totally unabridged I swear!) netizens fed to search engines that led them to my blog. Have a look –

  1. vasundhara raje + kiran majumdar + kiss
  2. vasundhara raje scindia kissing
  3. vasundhara raje kiss
  4. kiran majumdar vasundhara
  5. image of Vasundhara Raje and Kiran Mazumdar
  6. vasundhara raje a Lesbian
  7. vasundhara raje scindia kissed kiran mazumdar
  8. Vasundhara raje scindia smooching
  9. Vasundhara and Mazumdar
  10. vasundhara raje scindia is a lesbian
  11. vasundhara scindia kiss
  12. shaw+raje
  13. Vasundhara Raje greeting Kiran Mazumdar

Believe me, no one was thinking any different about this!

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For chrissake, what kind of greeting is this! Vasundhara Raje Scindia meets Kiran Mazumdar Shaw! A CM lip-locking with corporate czarina! Heck yeah, desi Madonna-Britney!

I thought kissing on the cheek was protocol, and looked decent too! But THIS is strangely obscene! Something like the initial titillation of a 50-plus lesbian porn! Yikes! I’ve been disgusted since morning, alongwith everyone else of the male fraternity on my floor who’s seen this splashed on TOI frontpage!

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It must have been early morning, or very late into the night. All life was dead, breathing heavily (ignore the obvious contradiction here) under the insulating comfort of stuffed cotton in their tiny cells. Sleep, however, had eluded my eyes. The spooky loneliness of my room haunted my imagination. The world outside was numb. And so was I, lost in the mirage of befuddling thoughts –

Incidentally, I’d a Marlboro as the sole company in the dark. I just had to ask myself – should I?

Well, as it turns out, I’m only human. In fact, it was perfect justice to the concept of smoking. You’re all by yourself, jobless, vulnerable! I gave in!

But then, I was in for better! A shadow appears from the corner. Our eyes meet. Not a word said. It was lust at first sight!

Well well!

And hence one fine day had an unexpectedly beautiful night.

A Night To Remember. Sleepless In Hostel. Lusty and Bold. Seductivity. How To Win A Guy In One Kiss. My Sexy Guy. Oh Sweet November! (I’ll assume you are a reasonable movie buff, and can figure out where this comes from!)

PS: Experimenting with this guy’s cam, we clicked few by the light of the night. Little had I imagined it could be pieced together (however crappily, thanks for tolerating)!

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Someone said to me this afternoon – “it’s so easy if you are a pretty girl, AND, if you know you are”.

I thought about what he quipped, and how true!


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Most Underestimated Source of Immediate Comfort – that’s MUSIC! You might enter into vehement disagreement at the ‘underestimated’ quantifier, but if I’m writing it on my blog, you are expected of unquestionable admittance! I never thought I was a music buff, I mean not coterminous with the free and great availability of any kind of palpable music on our network. I can’t really vaunt of a generous aggregation of euphony on my hard disk. It must be severely assorted stuff. Severely yeah! The worst part is, I normally don’t go back to my collection very often. Just occasional and heavily temperamental playing of a dozen-odd fortunate song mostly. That said, I can additionally be terribly fussy about what songs get to stay on my disk! Since most good Hindi songs are played on the TV, or on the radio, I pretty much have a good idea of respectable stuff in our language. Plus we are such amazingly sane people to have no more than Bollywood, Indipop, and probably Ghazal as the most basic framework of classification of our music. While these Yankees have screwed up the whole concept, introducing moronic categorization like Country, Rap, Rock, Trance, Hip-Hop, Jazz, Grunge, Metal etc. Naturally, the seasoned fraud emulators we are, we have our own versions of the American compartmentalization of music (Desi Rock uh?). In as much as, other than word-of-mouth publicity, I end up pounding Google with search queries like “best songs of 2005”, or “best romantic songs”, or “Billboard’s/MTV’s No.1 Hits” for any potential additions! And more often than not, I end up cranky, considering most of the search results disappoint me big time!

Anyway, enough horseshit! The point was I have lately discovered the power of radio, as the perfect source of musical entertainment, with minimal elbow-greasing. Lots of stations play consistently good music, often interlarded with informatively funny mouthing by the sexy-sounding RJ’s. And for a change, I’m using my phone and the amazingly effective ear-buds conjointly!

And now the pick of the day (am I obsessed with eventful days!) – watched the old Don this evening. Amidst the sensational promotion for the sequel, I happened to find the original daddy with some guy on his disk. Downloaded it promptly, and am glad I did. I sure didn’t remember much of the old classic as I soon realized. But the fact remains, loud and clear – it’s far too good for any sequel (even by virtuosos like Farhan Akhtar) to match its class, execution, dialogues and pertained delivery, acting, apt music, and ultimately, the Big B! Gawd, he’s one hell of an actor! This man is a legend not for no reason, all hero-worship justified. Simply brilliant, even with the relatively inexperienced bimbo Zeenat Aman (no skin-show in this one, what the hell was she thinking: it’s been a forgettable role for her), Amitabh pulls the character of Don with perfect aplomb. The point is, Don was a typical oldie with all the weird impossible fighting sequences, or the erstwhile cascade of irritating music as essential ingredients. However, the implementation has been technically superb, to the extent that you’ll find it funny at times, and casually laugh it off, the movie losing not a pint of its grandeur in the process though! For all this, and more, I have all time lowered expectations of the sequel, which gets faulty right at the basics – SRK as Don! For chrissake, Bachchan vs. Shahrukh Khan! No match! For all you SRK fans, I want to communicate a predictive obituary, cuz he’s simply gonna fuck the character up. He could cry, and do it the best probably, but Don won’t do it! With iconic acting in the original, SRK would find it hard to rival history! May be Abhishek Bachchan would have been a better pick for the role, with his father’s genes catapulting him to a slightly advantageous position! Don-2 ki sabse badi galti hai ki woh SRK hai! Somewhere down the line, I don’t want to believe Don-2 will work its magic. Big B is far too great to be equalled in this century!

PS: And this should perhaps be my last post before I’m off home for a desperately awaited,  extended break! Wishing a Happy Diwali to all my readers! C ya sometime next week!

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