Archive for the ‘Recollections of a Lost Innocence’ Category

when I feel all alone
I wish there was somewhere I could be gone
not the same room, the familiar gloom
misery strewn, the lurking quarter moon
music is said to heal
pick the right spot, sigh! lyrics could never appeal!
can be with myself
but would that alone help?
write I can, and be read, and I do
the strangers we are, help me possibly, can you?
talk to yourself, it will help
problem and solution as one, what crap!
an ear, a shoulder
some kind of a calming boulder
everyone needs one, an alter ego
who’d mean it when (s)he’d say, “how-do-u-do?”
when I’m one for hundred and a half
why on earth can’t I find any support staff?
mend the brittle heart
someone who’d gather me, before I could fall apart!

{how can you still be reading me!}


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I hate god. And I won’t use upper case. Just when I start to think life’s turning out to be good, he has to spoil it. Damn god you have to. And this way! I hate you.


My dog passed away yesterday. My Dollar. One of the five things on Orkut I said I can’t live without. And I can so not. Never. Never ever. I cannot imagine he is no more. I mean just like a five days back I left him well at home. Yah I know he was old, and not doing well. But no dog dies at eight years. Why him? And why me? And why my Mom, and my Dad? Why us damn you god?


I had this thing with me when He was like a month old. Came to us in a tiny package that would just about fit in my palm. And he soon was the love of my life. I remember coming back from school, and playing with him for hours right away. He would lick me. I would pat him. He would love it. I would love it. I used to feed him things from the kitchen not meant for a dog. There was not a thing we did not share. He would sleep with me in my bed while he was small enough for that. We used to get him to sleep by pampering him in our laps. And he would just sleep then and there. I was damn in 8th grade. And he died eight years later.


I hate you, you god.


And what an amazing dog was my Dollar! Oh he was huge in his prime. He was ferocious. He was the neighbour’s envy, and every second of these eight years, our pride. Oh he was not a canine. Not an animal. He could see through our eyes. He would know when I was angry. He would know when Mom was talking about him ..and he would come to her ..wagging his bushy tail, his strong frame ..would cuddle himself into Mom’s lap ..stay there for ever ..he would come to us and nudge if he was hungry ..or go and stand in the kitchen, and then look at us and the kitchen in succession. If we would deliberately not listen to him, he would make his characterstic puppy-like bow-wows. He would stand at the door if he had to be taken out. I would comb him everyday, every morning ..and he would do it when I asked him to turn around. Or sit if standing. Or lie down if sitting. Or roll on the floor if lying. Oh if he could speak. No but he did it, in his own way. He was intelligent, he would understand. Humans can’t do that sometimes.


And what great times we had together. I would just play with him all the time. We had fight. Almost always he on top of me. He was strong. He would try and scare me by his growls that went to the street. He would grind his teeth in my skin, but just enough not to hurt me. He would fetch the morning newspaper from the verandah. And he would not give it to us. He would run around the house. And expect you to chase him evey morning. Would get wild after a shower. And how much he loved to be bathed. He would fight for his towel. After every shower, we would have a tug-of-war with him for his towel. Whenever he would want to play while others were busy, he’ll just slip off with your slipper, one or both. He won’t care a dime if that choked him, but play he would. And he would run around the house, trying to hide behind the beds, or the sofas, or just try to half conceal himself under the dining table. And then you would have naturally had to fight him for your belongings. He was cute. And adorable. And loyal. And so much more.


I hate you god. How could you snatch Him from us. He was the only companion my Mom had when alone at home. No more. Dad would be comforted by all his licking and all whenever he had come back home from work. You left them all devastated. He was the third child of my folks. You have taken Him away. I detest your ways. Yah we damn loved this dog like anything. He was a part of our life. He so much was. What is home gonna be without Him? I mean I go home and there is no bark at the ring of the bell! Or nothing to pat on, or play with His thick hair cover, or just play with Him, or love Him, or pamper Him! What use would that chain be now? What do we do of the bowl my Dollar use to eat in? Or the comb that pleasured him every morning to sleep? Or the towel, the toothbrush, the shampoo, the protein supplement? What do I fucking do with it all, you formless/heartless/ruthless, debatably existing god? What the hell do I do without Him?


Oh I could not go home. Cannot see so much of a difference to a place in such a short time. Cannot see Mom crying all day. She misses Him the most. Did not see my Dad get even remotely close to tears in all these twenty two years of my existence. Mom says he is doing it, everytime standing on His grave. Always knew it would be when he goes. And it is. I am getting mad. Alone in this room. I have shed a thousand tears. It is killing me. I look at his pics. I touch them. I am still patting him. I can feel his hair. I can sense his lick. He is still strong.


And still my eyes are red. There is still a tear to be dropped. He deserved better. He deserved more life. With us. We wanted him. He wanted us. He was so much to me. I cannot even think of home without Him. I cannot go there. I’ll miss him. I did so much when I was way from home. It’s worse now. And never to get better. He’s gone, never to come back. There was not a dog like my Dollar. There never could be. He was invaluable. He’ll always be. I’ll always love him. He’ll be good. He always was. He was amazing. I was blessed to have Him. He rocked, bigtime. Animal are so not dumb. He knew us, he knew us all. He could read our minds, and our thoughts. Mom says He has it in His eyes while he was breathing his last. He was crying. So was Mom. So was Dad. They saw Him go away. I did not. I could not see him off. I’m damned! I so am. I could not tell him how much I loved Him. He just went away. Too soon. He closed His eyes, forever. Never to be seen again.


I’ll miss you Dollar. You were good. I loved you so much. I always will. You saw me growing up. I saw you. We shared our lives. I talked to you knowing perfectly well you don’t get a thing. But you would stay there, and listen to me intently. You were so much to me Dollar. And how much I treasured you.


I’ll miss you so much ..so-so much 😦




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