Archive for March, 2006


I have not been writing much meaningful stuff for some time now. And I don`t intend this one to make much sense either. However, write I must and so I will.

Life is a mystery. And I guess I had like it to be that way. If I`d be knowledgeble of the mode it has been planned and chartered well in advance, where would the quest for carrying on be?

Cuz sometimes I am all bewildered, jaded and despairing. And then there are moments when life comes plentiful, churning unexpected doses of amusement in great abandon. Wish I could channelize my allotted quota of spice on want basis. That would have made it perfect. To ask for companionship when I`m bored to death and solitude when I need to be myself. I might possibly get too covetous, and exhaust my share of positively charged million hours in no time. But what the hell! I can`t put my hands off the pie baked months before Christmas!

I just had a long afternoon nap. Being the exhibitionist that I`m notoriously blamed for, I will go on asserting that I take pride in being a thinker, as serious one for that matter. Or a sensible daydreamer (this being another reflection of my sunsign is a different matter altogether). I must have started off the first post-minor slumber (yeah, the devilish five-days-every-month series of examinations concluded on a modest note this morning) doing some thoughtful brooding on I can`t remember what now! Perhaps it was about the three assignments I need to push in by the next seven days. Or I might have planned to shave and shampoo and condition the respectively associated growth of hair on my body. The most convincing answer would however be imagining the storytelling and plot of Khushwant Singh – I had “Train To Pakistan” by my side as I rolled onto the bed.

Anyway, the actual point is I`m outrageously fascinated by the kaleidoscopic variety of dreams I can have in sleeping as the sun shines (burns I must say as of now!) – the daydreaming in literal sense. I mean this process has classy quality and quantity. Gosh! Mind wanders a lot. A freaky lot! I won`t dig into post-mortemising the phenomenon of occurrence of dreams ..weird and unnatural and impossible beyond vision : I`m sure hundreds of scientists get dollar salaries for doing just this research. The issue is if I at all despise being disturbed when I`m least supposed to by these oft misleading set of nimbus-like hallucinations, some of which linger on to your senses much later after the first and strangely the only show? Guess no. Dreams don`t repeat themselves, life does. And more often than not, the real cosmos-inhabiting me hates when life does it! As a student my chief remorse situations are when I fare badly in some test. Ironically, such cases iterate with much more regularity than that dream today in which I was kissing and making out with this amazingly beautiful girl! And again, that I perfectly soundly know there was much more diversity in the sleep a few hours before, I seem to only remember the part that had sex in it! I hope I`m not sick and this is normalcy!

Anyway, coming back to the assorted distribution of leisure hours fated for all of us, I remember having lots of masti few days before minors. A friend came down to see me (its eerie the way people assume two opposite sex members to be involved if you are detected on a Barista table with two chairs and a rather nondescript order of drinks) ..the conversation diverted to another friend presently putting up in geographically close quarters ..she was invited over ..and since dusk had set in, it was decided to make it a night out as the ladies had lots to talk and gossip meeting after four odd years! I possibly couldn`t have asked for more ..the company of two fairly gorgeous girls for the night (the deprived me didn`t care a dime for the lecture at 8 the next morning)! One thing I`ve never understood is the terrific interest and perfection most girls have at dancing! They both cheerfully suggested we go shaking legs : perfectly viable argument but for the fact that they were holding hands, clapping them against each others with irritating regularity and indulging in intimate contact making me slightly uncomfortable in the process! Guess that`s the way girls are. So very easy among themselves. Wish guys could take a clue. Or may be not. Brokeback Mountain`s a hit. Can`t have all my gestures and movements scrutinised with prying eyes sniffing for slightest hints of homosexual tendencies! So basically we landed up at this disc(otheque) cum restaurant cum pub in city, TSF in Greater Kailash. Long time after I went to a disc with such flaunt-able partners (oh by the way the long time here is 21 plus years). And soon figured I was jostling for dancing space with (mostly) young couples, all oozing with love and lust and passion (evident from the rampant smooching) and the DJ playing some not-so cool tracks. You don`t start on French as you set foot in France. It took a Bacardi Breezer for me to get in the mood. Once in, I realised I`m not a bad dancer after all. Not Hrithik Roshan yet, but I could extract an adjective for my dance movements from the pretty ladies – cute! It was fun. In fact a LOT of fun. It was obvious this was another of those days when I was being generously showered from the amusement reservoir ..and holocaust was next! I did manage to attend the 8 am lecture, barely keeping alive after the nights hangover and it soon occurred Minor tests were few hours away!

I can`t resist mentioning reading the all time classic bestseller, The Godfather some time around my incapable-of-writing days. And I must say, it simply left me awestruck. Not very often do I religiously wrap a book at strecth, oblivious of life beyond the laidback chair in my room. The last time I did was while reading The Da Vinci Code. I kept it waiting for very long, but the movie Sarkar actually was the impetus for laying hands on The Godfather. Also watched Memoirs Of A Geisha. Good movie again. I particuarly liked the cinematography – beautifully done. Since most movies cannot do sufficient justice to the books they derive from, it seems I`m gonna end up reading Memoirs Of A Geisha as well. The library guy and incidentally my ex-roommate has procured books and novels worth some twenty-five thousand bucks. A literary feast is on cards. I`m gonna devour as much of the lot as manly possible. And I`ve additionally realised (finally) reading can be one of the most intellectually satisfying activity. That doesn`t mean less of blogging though. I love to write.

And now it has occurred I`m still to shower and shampoo!

Whew! Seems I`m switching to the self-obsessed journalist kinda blogger. Writing so much exclusively about myself. And it seems it`s all comment repelling stuff! What the heck! Narcissism rules!

Life – as it comes by 🙂


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Something as trivial as this is all it takes to satisfy my ego by doing great justice to the Virgo male characterstics ..I`ve customised the understanding of the article as drafting the perfectionist aspect of the sunsign, in the sense of this eternal quest to gather the best, moving to WordPress from Blogger in particular 😀

Sound nerdy, do I!

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I learnt about the writer`s block. May be this is it. I`m running out of ideas. Life`s come to a standstill. Or perhaps IIT and concerned academic allies suck!
I need a break 😦

I`m on vacation.

See ya people!

PS: I so don`t want this sabbatical! Some experienced bloggermate help! Ki karan?

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One thing I`ve learnt the hard way is how we value things when they are no more with us. I dare not lay emphasis on inanimate entities in the current train of thought. I ain`t that materialstic. It`s about people who leave us one fine day. People who you considered it was over with. They existed, but only for themselves. You stopped feeling their presence or even craving for it. You fooled yourself into believing you don`t need them anymore. Though they were the same people who once meant so much to you. Who formed a part of your thought process whenever you were gay, and whenever you were not. With whom you wished to (and did) share everything. Everything. Who gave an added dimension to your life. The people who made you experience love.

May be now you know. I lost the love of my life. The only love that ever was, that qualified to do justice to those four letters. She`s being fixed up, soon getting engaged. Flying to US. I don`t regret loving her. Being with her. It was the best thing to have happened to my otherwise miserable aliveness. The first reaction after getting the news – I couldn`t have posibly been more happy for her. Seeing the one you prayed for once, moving on with good things in life, does content your spirits. She`s always got the best, and she continues to. Can I conceal how great I feel for her? And how sorry for myself! Men do cry. They almost do.
I`m confused. The initial excitement gradually led to remorse. The feeling of having lost something important. Why did I let it go? When I knew things were perfect! I couldn`t have been more stupid in this life. And the fact that we didn`t even call it off. We couldn`t do it. Unable to muster enough to say “I don`t think we should do this anymore”! But still we did it. However hard it was for both of us, we did call it quits. Did I stop thinking of her thereafter? Could I ever prevent images of the great times we had from lingering in my memory? And teasing me!
Anyway, to the love that never died. Not even a slow death. You were great. You were amazing. You still are. You`d ever-ever be. Please forgive me. Cuz I can`t stop loving you. Good luck to you. To him. AMEN

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